You're a Mommy

When you first told me you were pregnant, I remember being in disbelief. This had happened before. Somehow you "knew you were pregnant" six days after having sex, that one time back when you were seventeen. Thank goodness you were being insane, because that would have been tragic. And then there was that other time when you said you were pregnant, and thought it was twins...also a falsehood. So when you told me this time, I had to question. But after getting the ultrasound pictures, and seeing your name at the top, I knew this one was for real.

I knew it would happen eventually. I mean, I'm not stupid, and you definitely weren't a virgin anymore. But still, I had hoped that life would give you more chances to be in a better situation for yourself, before you brought another life into this crazy world. (And then you delivered during a pandemic, which was even crazier than normal!) As I've learned with everything else in my life, I'm only in control of my own actions and thoughts, and the rest is completely out of my hands. 

Most girls your age (or younger) think they're "grown", and want to make all sorts of decisions about their bodies, and their futures, without considering anyone but themselves. As I've preached a million times, every decision we make effects at least one other person. And so I hope you are learning, that your decision to have a baby, with no high school diploma, no job, no license, and living off the government, effects many people, in and outside your life.

I wish I could say everything will work out, but I have no way of knowing if it will, or not. I wish I could say that your daughter will have a better life than you did, but I have no way of knowing that either. I don't know if you're going to be a good mom, or if you'll be able to give her a good home. I don't know if she will have the life she deserves, or if you will be the parent she deserves. I have no way of knowing any of that. I wish love were enough to raise a child, but it's not. 

I have tried to work through all the fear and anxiety of you being pregnant, and having a baby, as well as what my involvement should be in helping you. You clearly need it, and can't survive without the help...and neither can your daughter. She is my main concern now. Making sure she has her needs met is the thing that drives me the most in helping you. I just wonder if it will be enough...or too much, and when to say "yes" or "no". 

Between your Facebook mom's group and Google, you think you have everything you need to make healthy and informed decisions, but your forego the wise counsel or moms who have lived it, within your own family, and doctors who are available for your questions. You are still a child in so many ways, and still need assistance and guidance in everything that needs to be done in life. From cleaning, to organizing, to making decisions, and making sure you are taking care of yourself and the baby, it's a constant struggle to make sure you are taking care of her life, not just her body. 

I know you love her, and that gives me at least some reassurance. I pray that wisdom comes to you, and that her life is spared from the craziness and drama that seems to follow you. I pray for healing for both of you, and a life of happiness and peace. Until then, I hope I get to stay involved in your lives, and see her grow up to be a strong and healthy little girl! It's still hard to believe you're a mom, but here we are, and here she is. So beautiful. So strong. I love her to pieces, and you too.

Love,

Me

Winter Thong

Today was a pretty good day. You went and got your hair done this morning with Leslie. The whole morning was in jeopardy of not happening, as your attitude was so out of control yesterday and this morning, we almost called and cancelled. I'll save yesterday's drama for another post.
You worked on your art this morning, making some tiles to sell at Sandy's shop. I had to put a time limit on your art. You proceeded to tell me that "your rights" indicate that you don't have boundaries on your art. According to your therapist, you have these "rights". I responded that I was limiting your time, not your art. You didn't like this so much, and spent the majority of the morning arguing with me about it (even though we discussed in detail the amount of tiles that would be made in the morning...for this exact reason).
I worked a new job this morning, working for an older woman, so when I came home you were already back from your hair appointment. You chose almost black, with red highlights this time. I'm not a super huge fan of the really dark hair, because you're so light skinned, but it's just hair, and whatever. I didn't feel like having argument number 5,623 this afternoon.
We spent the afternoon at home, all three of us. You came over to me while I was sitting on the couch, and basically hung yourself over me. Typical. :) You started trying to tickle me, which I was not interested in (even though you tried really hard), so since your butt was over my knees, I decided to give you a wedgie. One turned into an eventual four. You tried really hard to give me one, but with the way I was sitting, and my underwear starting further down, you were at a loss, and never ended up returning the wedgie.
I had 'em good and tight up in there. We were laughing so hard. You said, "Oh my gosh, they're so bunched up in there...it's like a winter thong!" This made me laugh even more, because I immediately envisioned the Victoria's Secret people coming up with a thicker, more cozy version of the summer thong, just to keep things warmer in the colder months. Haha.
Then I took you to go paintballing with the kids from Cornerstone's teen group tonight. It was in East Mesa. A lot of kids turned out, and as usual when other kids are around, I became non-existent. I've come to regard this is normal "mingling procedure". I went home while you were there, and when I came back to pick you up, the first thing you said to me was, "I got shot in the vagina...twice." I couldn't help but laugh. I said, "Well, that sucks."
You told me all about all of your other battle wounds on our way back to the car, but the worst one of all was the one to the "twat" (as I referred to it), and that made you laugh harder about it all. I don't know if it was because I referred to it as a twat, or if you had never heard that term. I'm sure you've heard and said worse, but maybe it just caught you off guard that I used the word. At least I didn't use the "C" word.
Anyhow, you told me that after you got hit down there, you went to this group of boys in your group, and said, "I just got hit in the privates. You guys need to protect me." You said at first they were a little shocked, but then they were like, "Okay, that's cool", and you pretty much hid behind them the rest of the time.
I laughed so hard. We both laughed so hard.
After your shower it was time for cuddle therapy, which didn't last as long tonight because you fell asleep fast. I guess you had a good day. At least that's what you told me (despite the few welts you got tonight at paintball.)
I hope you remember the good days that you have, like today...even though you got shot in the twat.
Love you...

Courtesy Flushes (And Other Super-Important Things To Know)

Here is a silly little post for you, Sweets. It's been a long time since I've written on here, hasn't it? Sometimes I can't help it. If you hold me hostage in your room at night, I'm forced to forego writing to you, so I can spend time coaxing you back to sleep by playing with your hair and holding your hand. In this case, I would gladly give up writing for all those sweet times. Someday they won't happen...at least as frequently, so I'll take them while I can get them. But tonight you let me off the hook, so I'm writing to you while you sleep.

I know it's been one whole day since I told you about courtesy flushes, but I had to write it down. I can't believe you never knew about courtesy flushes. So, now that I've explained that to you, I was thinking maybe there were some other little things maybe you have not have a chance to learn about yet. So, here is my silly little post about a few (very) important things you should know in life.

1. Courtesy flushes - I'll recap our previous conversation. When you have to go #2, and you're in a public place, or someone else's bathroom, or anywhere really where you don't want someone else smelling your stuff, use the courtesy flush option. Use it as many times as needed. You can couple this with the lighting of matches...although not suggested if somewhere where you might set off a sprinkler system. If you can smell it, someone else can. Just be cautious of over-eager toilets, as courtesy flushes can turn into more like a shower for your rear end. I'm just sayin'...

2. Car tips - Don't turn on your window washer spray while driving, when you're facing the sun. You can't see anything. It's like the windshield turns into the very sun itself and you are lost on the road. Never let your gas tank get below 1/4 tank. This is a good piece of advice I never listened too. I've been stranded a couple of times because I was trying to make it on "E" for longer than a car every should be...which is never. You will. And you will get stranded. I'll come rescue you and remind you of this post. Also, keep a spare car key either in your purse, or at home where someone else can get it...or both. Grammie had to come unlock my car so many times. So. Many. Times. Always carry an emergency kit, a gallon of water, and a blanket in the trunk of your car, along with a spare, a tire iron, jumper cables, and a jack. What did you think a trunk was for, anyways?? Keep your car clean. You never know who is going to need a last minute ride. Don't text and drive. You could die. Don't drink and drive, and don't let people distract you while you're driving, because then you could All die, or you could take someone else's life. It's not worth the risk...ever.

3. Make-up Tips - Don't put your make-up on in the dark, even in the car. This is a VERY BAD idea!!! Everything ends up 20 times thicker and darker than it should be! Dramatic eyes are not for every day. Just don't. Neither yellow eyeshadow or orange lipstick look good on anyone except for airbrushed models. *shudder* You're too beautiful for that. Remember, make-up is supposed to enhance what you already have, not try and change what you got!

4. Don't trust anyone else with passwords to anything!

5. Always keep a tampon in your car and another one in your purse. You don't even know. You just don't even know...how many times I have used this.

6. Knowing what sex is, and knowing how to use protection, doesn't mean you're ready to actually have sex. (I could write a novel on this one, but I will refrain.)

7. I will find out everything.

8. I don't care what you did, where you are, or who you're with, you call me and I'll come get you.

9. Chinese fire drills are a lot of fun.

10. Don't eat tacos or spaghetti on a date. Nobody looks good in a bib...or covered in spaghetti sauce.

11. Make sure you check your rear end in the mirror after leaving the bathroom stall, if you're wearing a skirt. Skirts like to get tucked in your underwear. It's happened.

12. Take pictures whenever possible (of you and others). You will be glad to have them down the road.

13. You can reheat a slice of pizza in a pan on the stove so it doesn't get mushy in the microwave.

14. Wear deodorant, and if necessary reapply.

15. Don't overthink your career. Just do what makes you happy, find a way to make money at it, and go from there. You will truly succeed doing what you love, rather than doing what you have to.

16. Don't ever forget how valuable you are.

That's it for now. More to come later. :)

Love,

Me

Becoming A Parent

Dear Danielle,

Last December started the ball rolling on the biggest life change I ever decided to take on.  Parenting.  Here you were, 13 years old, your family falling apart, your grades in the toilet, and desperate for someone to come in and save you from the disaster you found yourself in.  After several tear-filled conversations with you, Leslie and I had a talk.

You see, we had been exactly where you were...are.  We saw the warning signs, the cry for help, and looking back, wished that we had had someone to help us along.  Maybe we would have made better, healthier choices.  Maybe we wouldn't have ended up with so many scars.  Our situation was worse.  Well, I can't say that, because bad is relative.  Divorce, being a teenager, and feeling alone, are bad no matter what the circumstances.

So Leslie and I talked.  We talked about what we could do for you, and what that would mean for us - two single 30-something sisters, moving in together, bringing you into that, and parenting.  The thought of us living together was scary. The thought of being insta-parents was scary.  The thought of inviting you to come here, to the other side of the country, when we knew you had issues, and things you would need constant help with, was almost terrifying.  But we loved you.  And we knew we could help, or at least try.

So we wrote to your parents, explained what we were offering, and let them think about the idea.  It was hard for them.  Lots of tears.  Lots of questions, and lots of hurt.  How do you send your daughter away, to live with someone else, even family?  But they did it...for you, because they knew it was best for you to get away...and for them to get some space.

So, here you came, with your 2 suitcases full of stretchy (exercise/yoga) pants and t-shirts, high-heeled shoes, and nail polish, 50 stuffed animals and 10,000 pounds of baggage.  And by baggage, I mean the life kind, not the suitcase kind.

And there we were, your cousins...wondering what in the world we had gotten ourselves into.

These letter to you are to help you remember, and to help you learn, now that you're leaving us and going back home, about things you need to know.  You will be missed more than you know.  And if you ever get the chance to come back...well, we'll see.

Crocs Are Not Real Shoes!!

I don't know why this just popped into my head, but I was thinking about crocs tonight...

Within the first two weeks of your arrival it became evident that one thing had to go.  The crocs.  You wore those black crocs EVERYWHERE!!  It was like you had no other shoes in the two suitcases you brought with you.  Seriously.  No flip flops, no sneakers, just high heels (for what purpose I still have yet to understand) and crocs.

Normally, I wouldn't care so much, but your feet were rank.  But there was one day I was sitting next to you on the couch and your feet stunk so bad I couldn't breathe.  Now, I realize you're a teenager, and there are certain smells that just happen.  It happened to me, it happened to you and every other teenager that will ever exist.  But This smell...I don't even know how to describe it.  I knew that whatever was causing it must be eliminated!!

That weekend we went shoe shopping.  We bought sneakers.  Then we went and bought a few other pairs of shoes.  The whole process of shoe shopping is a topic for another post.  Oh the drama!!

Thank god the crocs were now out of the picture.  We had to force you NOT to wear them!  You had been wearing these slip-on monstrosities for 3 years and had completely forgotten how to wear regular lace-up shoes!!  How does that happen?!

Please...for the love of all that is holy do NOT go back to wearing crocs.  Crocs are for people that just don't care anymore, or for backyard BBQ's, or trips to the beach, not for a teenage girl to wear to everything, with everything.  And they make your feet stink.  Don't do it!!

Even though you had a few pairs of cute shoes, you still found flip-flops the next alternative wear-with-everything shoe.  Those aren't real shoes either.  Don't make me post about flip-flops!!  Wear real shoes, appropriate to the clothing you have on, appropriate for your age.  Next time your feet need some shoes, remember these wise words from your cousin.  Trust me on this one. :)

Beautiful Girl

I'm pretty sure I've said this a bajillion times already, but I'm going to say it again.  You are beautiful!!

When you came to us you had a concoction of hair colors, were wearing heavy, gawd-awful make-up, yoga pants, t-shirts and crocks.  By the time you left we had you in real shoes, finally wearing jeans with cute tops, normal hair color and make-up that accented the beauty you already had.  I feel like all of these things in and of themselves were marked accomplishments!

What we put on the outside is a direct reflection of what is going on on the inside.  When I first started working again I was wearing workout capris and t-shirts to work, with sneakers, barely doing my make-up or hair.  Now two years later I dress up for work.  I have cute shoes.  I wear jeans, but with nice tops, and I do my hair and make-up, wear simple jewelry and sometimes even perfume.  What changed?  It was all the inside stuff.

We women tend to reflect outwardly what's going on on the inside.  So when we're sad or stressed out we start gaining weight, our skin gets bad, we don't do our hair, we wear clothes that don't flatter us, and we just give up.  It happens to all of us, and at different times in ours lives.  It's like a peak and valley kind of thing.  The trick is to see it before it gets really bad, and do something about it.

You'll hear people say things like, "It was time for a change", or "I needed a fresh start", things like that.  When a person says those things it means they've seen where they are and they're actively doing something to change the direction they're headed in.  It can be a number of things, but like I said, you'll see women start to change their outward appearance when they start bettering the inside.

Now...since I've just said that women deal with this - this body image thing, do you think it's going to go away at some point?  Right.  It won't.  It's the single biggest thing women struggle with, and it continues for the rest of our lives.  And you know what I think?  I think it's worse when you're a teenager.  You have all those hormones going wacko inside you, messing with your head.  Then you have "mean girls" and boys, and tv, and internet, and holy cow.  It's a lot to handle.  How do you shut out all the lies inside your head and only listen to the true stuff?

I think you know the answer, don't you?  It's sometimes the hardest thing, yet really, it's the easiest!  In order to overcome lies, you need to replace them with truth.

After my accident, my counselor helped me write out truth cards.  They were actual 3X5 cards with truth sentences on them that I could take with me in the car, or at home, so whenever I would start to stress out, or think about all the bad stuff that could happen again, or did happen, I would pull out those cards and just start reading.

Wanna know what was on them?  Well, in order to get to those truths we need to figure out what Truth really is.  So where do we find truth?  Do we find it in our emotions?  I hope you answered no to that question.  Emotions are erratic.  At times they can be great, but they can also fool you.  Do we find it in what others say about us?  Again, tricky.  It depends on who you're listening to.  People don't always have the best intentions in what they say to you or about you, and people aren't perfect.  Hmmm, I wonder where I could find someone who knows me, loves me, has truth to say about me, and is perfect.  Are ya with me?

I want you to pull up your Bible app.  Look up Psalm 139 (I would say the New Living Translation or something similar), and read the entire chapter.  It's not very long.  It won't take long to read.  I want you to think about the things that David is saying here, and the truth about how God sees you, knows you and cares about you.  He designed you to be just the way you are.  You are not perfect, and you have things that God is going to work on over your entire life, but He made you with a personality, a spirit, a beauty that is unique - it's all Danielle.  It's all Heaven.

This is probably the absolute biggest passage of scripture that I go to when I'm feeling less than certain about the way God made me...all my rolls, and scars, and weird things I've got goin' on.  Sometimes it's really hard to feel beautiful, and some days are way harder than others.  But don't let those days become too frequent, or let one day turn into several.  When you start feeling that happen, go to people that will remind you of these truths, and do it yourself by pulling out your Bible and reading God's words to you.

There is another passage, 1 Peter 3:3-4 that says, "Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."

And Proverbs 31:30 that says, "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

Now, does this mean that God wants us to look ugly?  No.  That's a bunch of crap.  But I want you to think about the conversation we had the other day about your blue hair.  When people do stuff to the outside, wear super-fancy clothes, get tons of piercings or tats, or dye their hair crazy colors, or do weird crap to it, wear horrible make-up, or wear things like "hooker heals"...does this mean they've "got it together"?  No.  Does this make them cool?  No.  Doing those things doesn't MAKE someone cool.  Maybe they're really not that cool.  Maybe they're really messed up, or maybe they were already cool to begin with, but they feel the need to express it and show it off to others.  I'm not saying any of this stuff is wrong...at all.  But you have to be doing it for the right reasons.  And you need to realize that that is, and will be, the only thing people see of you.  If you want people to notice you for you then let your inside speak louder than your outside.  If you want them to notice your blue hair than dye away!

When we wear nice things, wear nice make-up and do our hair we're accenting beauty we already have.  When we do crazy things to ourselves, we're seeking attention.  It's true!  The problem is we want people's attention, because we want people to notice us, to really see us and like us for who we are, and usually if we're doing crazy stuff to ourselves, we're going to get the wrong kind of attention.  When we're making these kinds of statements, all people are seeing is the blue hair and the black make-up.  They're not seeing the person underneath all that.  And by the time they have a chance to even get your name, they've already judged you based on the blue hair and the black make-up.  And that's not the real you.

The real you likes Taylor Swift and The Band Perry, tickle fights, snuggles, drawing beautiful pictures, and making awesome food all by herself.  You are creative and fun, smart and beautiful!!

Sweetie, know that you are beautiful and allow other people to see it.  Don't flaunt your beauty by trying to be "sexy", and don't hide from it by burying yourself in hair dye, make-up, tattoos and piercings.  Just live IN it.  Just be you.  But in order to do that you're going to have to figure out what the truth about you really is.  So go do it!  You have some time before school starts, and lots of time to sit around and play on your kindle.  Time to do something positive for yourself!

I will always see you for what God made you.  You are a beautiful girl, a young woman.  I hope that helping you in your journey saves you some time as a woman, trying to figure out who you are.  There are a lot of lessons you will wished to have learned as a child when you're a woman.  Trust me...and every other woman out there, when I say these things.

I love you, beautiful girl.